I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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