Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
