We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We're too hungover to prance.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
