I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
