just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
