google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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