Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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