I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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