ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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