it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had me at cake vodka
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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