it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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