Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
