apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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