so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
my god I love twenty year old dicks
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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