my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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