A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
