I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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