threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting