I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.