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So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
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