im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
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Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I can't turn off my feet"
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?