I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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