I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sext me about skeletons
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
