you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
my liver is dry heaving
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
