Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm bleeding and have questions
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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