we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
