sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
