My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
