Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
