Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
