So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
