took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize