I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
