Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
