I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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