I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
