I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
