When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
