im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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