smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
