Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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