I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
