Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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