There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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