For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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