based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
