i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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