I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
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He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize