dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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