Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
