she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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