There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
