God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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