Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
