Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
