god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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